America Kicks Ass is the finest column around when it comes to appreciating the little things in life that are American, and also kick ass. The column covers a variety of American creations through a overflowing waterfall of patriotic sentiment.
Kavahn Mansouri
– Arts & Life Editor –
Being Americans, it is in our genes to be (A. fantastic, (B. make money, (C. kick the teeth out of each other or (D. all of the above.
D is the correct answer, readers.
America Kicks Ass, two and a quarter semesters in it is agreed upon that this is an accepted truth. To this day what some people fail to see is that it is not just what America is or what America makes that makes it so beautiful and great. No, no, it is not just that. It is also what we do. Since the beginning of time people have been beating the living tar out of each other, and doing it in some pretty innovative and interesting ways.
On one hand you have boxing, a popular American pastime that almost everyone can relate to in some way (beating opponent in face while also being beat in face). On the other hand you have a rather new and far bloodier way of knocking skulls dubbed mixed martial arts, more popularly referred to as MMA.
America has found its new pastime. Forget baseball; instead of that base-running nonsense, let’s wear shirts that are far too tight for our bodies and call each other bros. Plus, instead of a boxing ring all the fighting takes place in something called “The Octagon.” That has got to be the coolest name for a place to roll around the floor and relentlessly beat each other.
I tuned into one of these “UFC” matches and let me promise you, it was one of the most violent things I have ever seen in my life. Basically, one fighter will put the other fighter into some sort of body lock and then massacre him with punches of all sorts. The “haymaker” was by far the most American for me, (not to be confused with the Canadian country rock band “Haymaker.”)
Grab a beer, get some friends, visit your local mall and sell out their athletics stores supply of “Tapout” shirts and put the big match on. Because, folks, there is nothing more American than two guys beating each other to bloody pulps.
