The Pope? Nope!

Posted on 05 March 2013 by Online Editor

Sith Lord!

By: Cory Muehlebach 
-Staff Writer-

 

Right now, at a Vatican not so far away, allegations revolving around sex scandals are forming like mud in the rain. Pope Benedict XVI has been given the privilege of being drizzled among the unsavory mud pie of accusation. Coincidentally, as people may have heard, the pope has resigned. But does anyone know the real reason?

The facts are perhaps a bit askew, as their sources are, to put it politely, doubtful. Sources in states surrounding the Vatican have an anonymous European spokesperson who has sent letters accusing the pope of covering up multiple sex scandals, homosexuality and child abuse. Some sources are even a suggesting the pope was a party to them. “The Pope, whose given name is Joseph Ratzinger, has a meeting with the Italian President, Giorgio Napolitano on February 23 to beg for immunity against prosecution for allegations of child sex crimes,” Shannon Barber wrote for the website Addicting Info.

Something about this story seems a bit funny. For the sake of argument, I am going to fancy the idea the pope is in fact involved in sexual scandals. It is not extra-ordinary for a member of the Catholic Church to be involved with such a thing, and it would not be a big deal if it were just another priest. But this is the freakin’ pope. The guy who is chosen by God himself to govern all the people who live on that big blue sapphire orbiting through the cosmos that we inhabit. Perhaps he is the supreme evil we have been looking forward to. Of course, I mean the sith lord.

Joe looks like the Sith Lord which is not merely a coincidence in my view. Now we have to find some dude who looks like Luke Skywalker and pretend Obama is Darth Vader. By the way, Mr. President, I urge you to reject that “offer” from the pope in return for your birth certificate — it is fabricated anyway. Maybe then Obama could focus on that “moon” with lasers he has been talking about. Something about it being called a star and capable of mass murder? Whatever the case, I am sure we can call Hans Solo and that fat slug thing to combat the new evil empire.

If that doesn’t work, people can always start recruiting small children to fight against the sith lord. I mean pope. People could give them swords made of pure energy; that certainly could not go wrong in anyway. But if people are against child labor, and/or child soldiers, may I suggest a new strategy: governing the church as a social entity and not enabling those “escapes” from the law. If you are accused of a crime with overwhelming evidence and are say, the frikkin’ pope, you should be tried just like everyone else. I think resigning disables the whole “chosen by God” thing anyway.

Along with the sudden uproar of Italy against the church’s pope, various cardinals are being accused as well. To note, Cardinal Keith O’ Brien — Britain’s cardinal — resigned recently for being accused of “inappropriate acts,” notably his encounters with young priests in training. Though he has not been convicted, his resignation seemed to persuade officials that he was in fact guilty. I am sure trials will be set in motion as the pope’s ability to forgive and pardon may have vanished as of late.

I think the world should step up and stop fearing the Vatican. To me that means no more escapes from the law or pardons from the pope. The pope, along with the other officials of the church, whether they be criminals or falsely accused members of the Catholic Church, should be treated like any other human being ever. Tried fairly, perhaps with a lightsaber or that fat slug thing.

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